What can you say about me that has not already been said? Famed for my versatility and penchant for buggery, I have been a fixture in the American landscape since 1805, when Lewis and Clark first discovered my mighty girth. Throughout these years, dammed though I've been, I have lent limitless power and glory to the boldest amongst us who dare trace my white watered exterior. I am proud of my achievements, most notably the harnassing of my power to give many people a light in dark times and playing host to the thousands of spawning salmon well within my body. It is within this context that I display myself to entities like me all over the world who choose to share with all their deepest, darkest secrets.
Wait, did you say biography? Doh! I thought you said "pretend you are the Columbia River." My bad.